You kept calling me your small dog last night.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
