We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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