Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Green mimosas i think yes
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
