I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize