Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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