her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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