Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
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