Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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