Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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