She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
