so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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