It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
