I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
