tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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