I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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