I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
