why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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