I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
