my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
