Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
