Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
