wrigley field is MILF paradise
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
