Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
