we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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