Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
