got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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