i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
