I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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