my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
