my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
