Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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