So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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