I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
