First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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