shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize