just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
