I faked an abortion last night.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
