So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
