When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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