It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
