Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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