Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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