Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
