$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
