My friends, they love my intelligence
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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