i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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