JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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