I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
