All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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