You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
