the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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