Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
