Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
