Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
