She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
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