Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
