Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
