You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
