So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize