david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Randomize
