I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
