I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
