I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
