I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
