Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
