Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize