dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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