seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Randomize
