why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
