Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
