I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
