please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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